Sunday, December 27

Another Year, Another Lesson: What Have We Learned?

2009 has come and gone...almost. And though I believe that "New Year's Resolutions" are most often total bullshit, I do think there is at least a morsel of validity in the fact that January 1st can resemble a "clean slate" for many of us. Every year around this time, I try to reflect upon the last 12 months...not because I am trying to better myself...but because I like to pretend that doing so will help to solidify, in my mind, all of the lessons (however small) that I learned the hard way. Because I refuse to do things the easy way. Today, I share those lessons with you:

1. Don't get a spray tan immediately after shaving your legs. It will seep into your open leg-hair pores and you will look like you have a skin condition.

2. Trust your instincts. If you get the feeling that someone is lying to you, they probably are. Even if they're super hot and trying their best to sound sincere.

3. Don't make out with your friends' ex boyfriends. It's not good for anyone.

4. Don't wear heeled cowboy boots when it's icy out. You might break your foot (was that '09? Regardless, I am keeping that one at the front of my mind...)

5. It's almost always best to laugh things off when they are your fault...no matter the personal loss you may suffer...also, when someone is mad the next morning that you yelled "fuuuuck! yooou!" in their face after a few too many drinks, "um, sorry i party" via text message may not be enough to smooth things over. Actually, it might make them worse.

6. Don't ever EVER pick at your face when you have a zit, no matter how satisfying it may seem at the time.

7. You have to ask for what you want. Nobody but Edward can read your mind.

8. Even if you don't think you're good enough, there's no harm in going for it. Because sometimes, it turns out that you are good enough, and that more energy was spent worrying about it than it took to achieve your goal. Either that, or you're just really good at faking it.

9. Wearing eyeliner on the bottom is a day-long commitment. I looks good when it's fresh, but if you forget to periodically re-apply, you can end up looking all cracky and strung-out. This one is important.

10. Wash your hands A LOT during swine-flu season or you'll probably get it.

So...take it or leave it. And please, if you have discovered any little nuggets of wisdom over the past year, please tell me. And I will try to listen. Happy New Year!

xoxo
Victoria

Tuesday, October 6

Things I've Learned From Your Facebook Status

- The Buffs suck, and you wish they didn't.

- You dislike Kanye West.

- Your significant other is the most wonderful man/woman in the entire world.

- You miss your significant other when he/she is out of town.

- You've had a long work week.

- You have strong feelings about Cutler.

- You work out, and it tires you/makes you sore/makes you feel AWESOME.

- You have the most amazing friends!!!

- Your kid occasionally does/says cute things.

- You have an essay due tomorrow.

- You struggle with the proper use of contractions.

- You are excited about your upcoming vacation.

- The current season and your thoughts/feelings about said season.

- You're very self-involved.

Monday, July 6

I Seriously Do Feel Like Somebody's Watching Me

doop deee doooo (insert synthesizer)

song chart memes
see more Funny Graphs

Thursday, June 11

Douche by Location

My brother Andrew and I had a conversation about the term "douche bag" and how it can be applied to locations. The list was then expanded upon by me, Jana, and our friends (thanks, guys!). Feel free to add your own.

Countries
Frau Douche (Germany)
Chilly Douche (Antarctica)
Bagga-Douche (Italy)
Douche, eh? (Canada)
Herr Douche (Germany)
Le Douche (France)
Das Douche (Germany)


United States
Douche and Tunnel (New Jersey)
Rocky Douche (Colorado)
Spud Douche (Idaho)
Syrupy Douche (Vermont)
Douche, Brah (Vail)
Geriatric Douche (Florida)
Hoos Douche (Indiana)
Gnarly Douche (California)
Eco-Douche (Boulder)
Douche, yo (911 Penn)

Movies
The Legend of Douche Bagger Vance
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Douche
Harry Potter and the Half Douche Prince
Dr.Douche, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bag
DOUCH-E
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Douche
There Will be Douche
V for Vdouchbag

Tuesday, June 9

I've got it all together

Let's face it- I've got my shit together.  Seriously, everything I do is carefully planned out and intentional.

Mostly.  Sort of.  Er... okay (fine), not really at all.

While I am always somewhat aware that my life is in a constant state of shambles, today Google decided to tell me directly, you know, in case I didn't have said awareness.  In case you haven't been around in the past few years,  Gmail makes the moneys by taking key words from your emails and then putting advertisements related to those key words on the side of your inbox.  I never even give them more than a passing glance, but today I did, and I'll just say that I think Gmail thinks I need help.  Behold:

The nerve, gmail, the absolute nerve. 

Burgled!!! : An Open Letter to The Person Who Stole the Hammock From Our Front Yard

Dear Sir or Madam,

You fucking suck. That didn't even belong to us. It was our friend Chris's. I hope you get gonorrhea and die, because that's what happens to people with no manners.

Warmest Regards,

Victoria

Friday, May 1

10 things I hate about flu

1. i might need a swinal tap
2. it's the new hamthrax
3. help!  i need some oinkment!
4. it makes me ham and sneeze
5. it's an epigdemic 
6. also a hamdemic and spamdemic
7. it's the babeonic plague
8. i need calaswine lotion
9. it's the notorious P.I.G.
10. the coming of the aporkalypse!!

it's the end of the world as we know it, and i feel swine...