Another Year, Another Lesson: What Have We Learned?

2009 has come and gone...almost. And though I believe that "New Year's Resolutions" are most often total bullshit, I do think there is at least a morsel of validity in the fact that January 1st can resemble a "clean slate" for many of us. Every year around this time, I try to reflect upon the last 12 months...not because I am trying to better myself...but because I like to pretend that doing so will help to solidify, in my mind, all of the lessons (however small) that I learned the hard way. Because I refuse to do things the easy way. Today, I share those lessons with you:

1. Don't get a spray tan immediately after shaving your legs. It will seep into your open leg-hair pores and you will look like you have a skin condition.

2. Trust your instincts. If you get the feeling that someone is lying to you, they probably are. Even if they're super hot and trying their best to sound sincere.

3. Don't make out with your friends' ex boyfriends. It's not good for anyone.

4. Don't wear heeled cowboy boots when it's icy out. You might break your foot (was that '09? Regardless, I am keeping that one at the front of my mind...)

5. It's almost always best to laugh things off when they are your fault...no matter the personal loss you may suffer...also, when someone is mad the next morning that you yelled "fuuuuck! yooou!" in their face after a few too many drinks, "um, sorry i party" via text message may not be enough to smooth things over. Actually, it might make them worse.

6. Don't ever EVER pick at your face when you have a zit, no matter how satisfying it may seem at the time.

7. You have to ask for what you want. Nobody but Edward can read your mind.

8. Even if you don't think you're good enough, there's no harm in going for it. Because sometimes, it turns out that you are good enough, and that more energy was spent worrying about it than it took to achieve your goal. Either that, or you're just really good at faking it.

9. Wearing eyeliner on the bottom is a day-long commitment. I looks good when it's fresh, but if you forget to periodically re-apply, you can end up looking all cracky and strung-out. This one is important.

10. Wash your hands A LOT during swine-flu season or you'll probably get it.

So...take it or leave it. And please, if you have discovered any little nuggets of wisdom over the past year, please tell me. And I will try to listen. Happy New Year!

xoxo
Victoria

"nice!" (or "casey is the opposite of nice")

Okay. Pretty confident Ryan's birthday got the celebration it deserved. I was going to preface this with a back story, but I kind of think it's funner (yes, funner) reading it cold. I woke up this morning, turned on my computer, and was greeted by this beautfiul casey/kayla facebook conversation:

2:28amKayla

hi

i'm totally fine

sam king accidentally slammed me into a legde

and it cut my lip open

and i thought it wa stottally fine

but then i saw it in the mirror and got scared b/c the cut was bigger and deeper than i thought it would be so i freaked out and talked to mj online

but cole siad it's fine

slash he is wastedand was like "it's on the lip, it's cool"

which i think is mostye true

2:36amJana

huh?

2:37amKayla

hi

cole came over

thank yo

u

i'm just nervous b/c my lip is kind of split

but i think it's fine

i think i might go show my neighbor friend

2:38amJana

neat this is casey]

2:38amKayla

but i think he's wasted

2:38amJana

super neat

2:38amKayla

CASEY

i think i'm just being a baby

2:38am

2:38amJana

you are such a freakin baby

i'm tired

2:39amKayla

you're going to feel like such an asshole if i really do need sttiches

go to bed you fuckwad

2:39amJana

no i won't. i fully support whatever you need

we're very worried

2:40amKayla

haha

k my neighbor friend just said his roomie is sober

i just want one sober person to say i'm fien

2:40amJana

that's neat

you are fine. i'm crazy sober

2:40amKayla

everything i google says to go to get stitches

that's a lie

how were the bars?

2:41amJana

awesome, what'd you do'

2:41amKayla

walked almost to the bars

realized my phone was lost

walked back with scott

talked to sam king, then he slammed my face into a lege

*ledge

2:41am

2:41amKayla

accidentally

2:41am

2:41am

then i bled everywhere

2:41amJana

i hope your face is ok

nice!

2:41amKayla

then i looked for my phone more

then i made him walk me home

2:41amJana

nice!

nice!

2:42amKayla

now i'm still bleeding

and freaking out abut tomorrow

2:42amJana

nice!

2:42amKayla

and wishing ihad my phone

2:42amJana

nice!

2:42amKayla

okay

stay online

2:43amJana

k

not going nowhere

. . .

2:43amKayla

really?

you rock

be back sooooon

2:43amJana

iknow right

where you going

2:45amJana

...............

2:46amJana

where'd you go?

2:56amKayla

hey

i went to my neighbors

the sober kid looked at it and was like "yeahhhhh you should probably get stitches"

but i think that the choices are get stictches - no scar, or no stitches - scar

and im fine with a baby scar

So I read this and I laughed. Then Mike sent me this conversation from an hour earlier, and I laughed some more:

the pure awesomeness that is my life

I haven't been blogging as often, and I know it's hard on all of you who count on this forum to keep track of my class-act, bling-blinging, party-like-a-rockstar lifestyle (read: there's only so much I can say about our couch and smarmy bartenders at The Sink). So I thought I would catch everyone up on some quotes from the past few days, so everyone can realize just how amazing my life is (you're welcome).

"Next time, don't come through my line if you have this much food" - Cashier at Safeway 

Okay, quick defense, I hadn't been to the store in a good two, maybe three weeks. You get to the point where you are eating pretzels and peanut butter for dinner and you suddenly look at your life from an outsiders perspective and realize that you should probably just go to the damn grocery store.  Also, I wanted to get enough food to last me two weeks, until Spring Break, in order to optimize my food purchasing trips.  If you haven't gathered already, grocery shopping, to me, is like "Hey! Let's go be on the verge of a panic attack for a while!"  As my dear roommates know, I usually require accompaniment to the store, in order to have someone to guide me through such things as bread selection or price comparisons.  I find it all very overwhelming.  I still have no idea how to shop for one person without having everything you buy go bad, I have no idea where to start or what's good or what's good for you or what's too much or what's too little or what's too expensive, and above it all, there's the constant "am i forgetting anything?  what else do i need?" because god forbid I should have to go back.  So yes, I am a freak who can't do normal, real life activities. 

 Needless to say, the last thing I need is some asshole "teasing" me about the amount of food I am buying.  In what world is that funny??  In this world, it causes eating disorders.  I just sat there glaring at his snarly teeth exposed by his white trash smile, and his dumb face that was all "gotcha!!  aren't i funny??" and in one swift moment I saw myself jumping over the counter, grabbing him by his STUPID nametag, slamming his face into the scanner and screaming "NEXT TIME?? YOU BETTER PRAY TO GOD THERE IS A NEXT TIME, BITCH!!!!" But instead I just awkwardly "heh"-ed and gave Lauren a "did he actually just say that?" look, of which she was completely oblivious, because tabloids need attention too.  

"Did someone just fall down the stairs?" 

-Fellow Party Attendee

After I fell down an entire flight of stairs.  This was immediately after I dropped my phone in the toilet.  I was coming out of the bathroom, sadly examining the little dot (turned red) on the back on my battery, contemplating how pathetic my life was, when WHOOMP!  Literally tumbled down the stairs.  I wish I could show you all the absolutely insane bruise that resulted from this fall, but it would involve nudity, which personally I don't think the readers of this blog are ready for (too much booty for one blog to handle).  And yes, my phone is fine, after one awkward day of it calling pretty much everyone in my phonebook while innocently sitting on my coffee table.  So everything worked out, but it is nights like those that cause you to step back and re-examine your life, you know, just a little bit. 

"I don't think Dad will care unless he sees naked pix of you or something outrageous" 

-My mother

Over gchat, in response to my hesitation to accept my dad's friend request on Facebook, thus allowing him to see all my drunken pictures.  Oh yes, social networking.  My dad.  Also my mom using the word "pix."  Don't worry, I set her straight. I informed her that Facebook doesn't allow nudity, so all those naked pictures of me out there are all posted elsewhere on the innernets.  

"Thanks, it's nice to know I have at least one friend in the world..."

-My dad

This is an email, with the subject "facebook" that I recieved from my dad a few days after accepting his fbook friend request.  Bless him. 

The Many Faces of Stupid

This post is for all you hot sluts out there who were considering doing meth. Put this in your pipe and smoke it: (p.s. copy/paste until either jan edits this or i figure out why i am unable to post links on this blog)

http://www.drugfree.org/Portal/DrugIssue/MethResources/faces/photo_4.html

I was surprised that Fergie's picture wasn't on this site...just sayin. Enjoy your Sunday, everyone!

V