Another Year, Another Lesson: What Have We Learned?

2009 has come and gone...almost. And though I believe that "New Year's Resolutions" are most often total bullshit, I do think there is at least a morsel of validity in the fact that January 1st can resemble a "clean slate" for many of us. Every year around this time, I try to reflect upon the last 12 months...not because I am trying to better myself...but because I like to pretend that doing so will help to solidify, in my mind, all of the lessons (however small) that I learned the hard way. Because I refuse to do things the easy way. Today, I share those lessons with you:

1. Don't get a spray tan immediately after shaving your legs. It will seep into your open leg-hair pores and you will look like you have a skin condition.

2. Trust your instincts. If you get the feeling that someone is lying to you, they probably are. Even if they're super hot and trying their best to sound sincere.

3. Don't make out with your friends' ex boyfriends. It's not good for anyone.

4. Don't wear heeled cowboy boots when it's icy out. You might break your foot (was that '09? Regardless, I am keeping that one at the front of my mind...)

5. It's almost always best to laugh things off when they are your fault...no matter the personal loss you may suffer...also, when someone is mad the next morning that you yelled "fuuuuck! yooou!" in their face after a few too many drinks, "um, sorry i party" via text message may not be enough to smooth things over. Actually, it might make them worse.

6. Don't ever EVER pick at your face when you have a zit, no matter how satisfying it may seem at the time.

7. You have to ask for what you want. Nobody but Edward can read your mind.

8. Even if you don't think you're good enough, there's no harm in going for it. Because sometimes, it turns out that you are good enough, and that more energy was spent worrying about it than it took to achieve your goal. Either that, or you're just really good at faking it.

9. Wearing eyeliner on the bottom is a day-long commitment. I looks good when it's fresh, but if you forget to periodically re-apply, you can end up looking all cracky and strung-out. This one is important.

10. Wash your hands A LOT during swine-flu season or you'll probably get it.

So...take it or leave it. And please, if you have discovered any little nuggets of wisdom over the past year, please tell me. And I will try to listen. Happy New Year!

xoxo
Victoria

Pamela Anderson: WTF?

Dear Pamela Anderson,

We get it. You're famous. Your boobs are enormous. But also, you're getting older...not "old lady" old, but perhaps "too old to wear bedazzled gold lame thong swimsuits" old. Please. No more.



Ten years ago (and also in Tacky Land), this would have been ok. But now it's just sad.



So WTF, Pam?! You're making everyone uncomfortable. Please stop molesting our eyes. Put the hot pants and platforms back on and shake it like the 41 year-old sexpot that you are ("sexpot" not "skank"). You can thank me later.

love,
Victoria

Dominique: WTF?!?

or "All Pros of Having a One Night Stand Quickly Negated By a Single Case Study"

Now Casting...

so hotttt...

happy birthday you hobag

OMG!!!

lauren's back!!!!

-jan

what's in my tummy...

It's no secret that I take the occasional trip down Fast Food Lane. I'll do pretty much anything to add a little extra sodium and fat into my diet. Lord knows that the daily Ramen hasn't been doing the trick lately. Anyway, tonight I was feeling kind of spicy so I went to the Taco Bell drive through to get myself a quesadilla. Everything was going smoothly until I reached the dreaded second window. The twenty-something blonde girl working there hands me my little baggy and states (not asks), "You want some salsa-sauce....?"

I let out a little giggle...just a little one. Because at that moment, I was thinking three things: a) hell yes I want some sauce and I can't believe that I forgot to ask. b) it sucks that this poor girl was cursed with a valley-girl/robot voice. and c) "salsa sauce"?! oh my god, just say it out loud a few times and you'll see my point. hilarious.

-"Yes, please."

-"WHAT kind?"

-"Um, whatever your version of medium is."

So she says, in the SMARMIEST manner possible, "You mean HOT."

Excuse me? Whatever. Like I'm supposed to know the difference between HOT, SPICY and FIRE sauce? No matter what order you put them in, those words all indicate the same sort of flavor, not to mention the degree of flavor. Taken aback by the pure rudeness of this complete stranger, along with the ridiculousness of the situation, I reply with, "Um yeah, I guess."

Bitch rolled her eyes at me!!! As far as I'm concerned, that's worse than someone telling you to "shhhhhhhhh!"

What is the proper etiquette when someone rolls their eyes at you? I'm pretty sure the last time I saw an eye-roll with that much gusto was on an episode of "Full House". Aaah well, you can't win them all, I guess. At least the food was good. Have a good turkey day everyone and get ready to celebrate L's return to the kingdom...only 5 days left!

TTYN,
V

p.s. I didn't mean that. I'll totally TTYL.