Douche by Location

My brother Andrew and I had a conversation about the term "douche bag" and how it can be applied to locations. The list was then expanded upon by me, Jana, and our friends (thanks, guys!). Feel free to add your own.

Countries
Frau Douche (Germany)
Chilly Douche (Antarctica)
Bagga-Douche (Italy)
Douche, eh? (Canada)
Herr Douche (Germany)
Le Douche (France)
Das Douche (Germany)


United States
Douche and Tunnel (New Jersey)
Rocky Douche (Colorado)
Spud Douche (Idaho)
Syrupy Douche (Vermont)
Douche, Brah (Vail)
Geriatric Douche (Florida)
Hoos Douche (Indiana)
Gnarly Douche (California)
Eco-Douche (Boulder)
Douche, yo (911 Penn)

Movies
The Legend of Douche Bagger Vance
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Douche
Harry Potter and the Half Douche Prince
Dr.Douche, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bag
DOUCH-E
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Douche
There Will be Douche
V for Vdouchbag

I've got it all together

Let's face it- I've got my shit together.  Seriously, everything I do is carefully planned out and intentional.

Mostly.  Sort of.  Er... okay (fine), not really at all.

While I am always somewhat aware that my life is in a constant state of shambles, today Google decided to tell me directly, you know, in case I didn't have said awareness.  In case you haven't been around in the past few years,  Gmail makes the moneys by taking key words from your emails and then putting advertisements related to those key words on the side of your inbox.  I never even give them more than a passing glance, but today I did, and I'll just say that I think Gmail thinks I need help.  Behold:

The nerve, gmail, the absolute nerve. 

Burgled!!! : An Open Letter to The Person Who Stole the Hammock From Our Front Yard

Dear Sir or Madam,

You fucking suck. That didn't even belong to us. It was our friend Chris's. I hope you get gonorrhea and die, because that's what happens to people with no manners.

Warmest Regards,

Victoria

10 things I hate about flu

1. i might need a swinal tap

2. it's the new hamthrax

3. help!  i need some oinkment!

4. it makes me ham and sneeze

5. it's an epigdemic 

6. also a hamdemic and spamdemic

7. it's the babeonic plague

8. i need calaswine lotion

9. it's the notorious P.I.G.

10. the coming of the aporkalypse!!

it's the end of the world as we know it, and i feel swine...

and speaking of dirty vegans...

I think I found Casey's soulmate:

  

Found: Another Hat!!

We found a hat (black).  Annnnd then we did dirty things to it.  Seriously, I wouldn't recommend putting it anywhere near your face.  Like on your head or anything like that.  

We thought, at first, that someone was trying to burgle ol' 911 Penn, and lost his or her hat in the process.  But as it turns out, we do keep some pretty conor obersty, cry-myself-to-sleep, emo company sometimes and when I realized this I thought "aha!"  Could it be possible that one of these said "emos" left his sad "get ahead in line at Roma" hat here after a particularly awesome good-for-him, way-to-score, living room dance party?  There's only one way to find out:

If you were actually there that night, and you actually participated in this dance party, you should be able to tell us where in our house we found it. 

If you can do this, you can have it*; if not, you owe us some day old bread (yeahhh you know who you are)

*roommate not included**

**unless you give her wine

Lincoln, You Skeeez

Apparently, Abraham Lincoln just may have invented the emoticon.  Because why not, Universe??  Historians found a transcript of a speech that Lincoln himself wrote, which, as you can see, is complete with a winky smiley right after the words "applause and laughter."  I love how it's a wink, too, like he's some horrible bar skeezer that decides texting you immediately after getting your number is a great idea.  What a creep.  

So as it turns out, all those flighty, prepubescent gossip fests I had in the sixth grade could have been made possible by Honest Abe.  No, screw it, this is too good to hypothesize.  It's true.  It has to be.  From now on, no one can tell me differently.   This is the best thing I've ever heard.  

Here's the link if you want more 1862 lolzzz:

http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/01/19/hfo-emoticon/