Now Casting...

so hotttt...

EILFs: Explorers I'd Like to... Well, You Know

I don't know why explorers are so often overlooked as sex symbols. I'm pretty confident that if I were around anytime pre-17th century, I would totally be into it. Come on, they've got a lot going for them- the power, the bravery, the fame, the facial hair. I know, I know... "venereal disease, Jana! venereal disease!!" but again, this exercise places me (hypothetically) pre-17th century, which means I would most likely alread have a (hypothetical) venereal disease. In any case, we're just going to (hypothetically) rule out dirty sailor diseases. This is just for fun, jeeeeez, get the stick out of your booty. So here we go- a list of explorers that could totally explore me every day of the week:

Marco Polo: Something about those Italians. Not only does he have the explorer thing going for him, he also got totally fricking rich from his explorations, AND he was imprisoned for a while. The rebel part of me would love to bring an ex-con home to Mom & Dad. Please note the sexy facial hair.

Juan Ponce de Leon: I'm willing to look past pointy chin hair if you discovered Flordia. Plus he has a sweet feather in his cap. He spent his life searching for the fountain of youth; like a 15th century Dr. Ray, errr something. Little did he know he could fountain in my youth any day.

Ferdinand Magellan: First to circumnavigate the world. Nuf said. I'd like him to circumnavigate me. Or should I say cirCUMnavigate me. heh.

Francisco Pizarro: Bearded, armored, all around bad-ass. He totally owned the Incans, which is not very nice, but all that conquering apparantly does a body good.

"Incans! I kill you with my abs!"

Zebulon Pike: My fav. Check out his wikipage. The indians (feather) thought he was soooo fly- my man Black Hawk said he was a "good man" and a "great brave." But also he was drunk at the time, so who knows how he felt about him in the morning. I kid!

ZEB UR SO HOTT

Notice Christopher Columbus did not make the list. This was not a mistake. He's GROSS.

Also: Marry, Screw or Kill GO.

Lewis?

Clark?

Sacajawea?

WTF, city of Denver?

I recently made a trip to DIA to get a Lauren-face and discovered the demon horse statue of death on Pena.  I don't know how I have managed several trips to the airport in the past year without noticing it, other than the fact that I am usually using all my brainpower to not confuse departures and arrivals (you're departing from the airport in your car- that totally makes sense.)  But this trip I was aided by Kayla, which allowed me to fully concentrate on the absolute terror of the horse.  I have seen some pretty pointless publicly funded art projects, but most of them are harmless in that they do not give me horrific nightmares.  This statue is SO scary.  What a better way to welcome visitors from all over the world then with a giant horse that says "I KILL YOU" with it's eyes?  It's downright embarrassing.  Not to mention the fact that art exists to be admired, and the only way to see it is from an exceptionally busy road with cars rushing to an international airport. 

I was already creeped out by death bronco when MJ informed me that the statue fell on the artist, Luis Jiminez, while he was creating it, killing him.  The fact that it murdered it's creator proves that it is demonic and TOTALLY F-ED UP.  It's totally going to come alive one night and buck shit up in the city of Denver and kill us all. FAIL, city of Denver, MAJOR HORSE FAIL.

 "GOING OUT OF TOWNNN???"

"I KILL YOU"

The Many Faces of Stupid

This post is for all you hot sluts out there who were considering doing meth. Put this in your pipe and smoke it: (p.s. copy/paste until either jan edits this or i figure out why i am unable to post links on this blog)

http://www.drugfree.org/Portal/DrugIssue/MethResources/faces/photo_4.html

I was surprised that Fergie's picture wasn't on this site...just sayin. Enjoy your Sunday, everyone!

V

after much anticipation...

Lauren is coming home tomorrow!!! Talk about a good reason to celebrate!


Vic

links we love... links we loathe

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email from grandma

Hi Jana

  I finally got on the email. Hope we can keep in tough. Am Just Getting the hang of it, so bear with me. want to hear about you and your life . Grandpa and I are fine. Getting used to the place. Please let us know how your life is .  love Gram R.

Recieved this gem from Gram R a few weeks ago.  My brother and I were giggling at this today when his girlfriend, Allie, recommended we check out www.postcardsfromyomomma.com, a website devoted to mom/grandma correspondence of all sorts.  I haven't stopped laughing. I like this one (because it's what my mom would say):

Backstory: I sent my mom a thank-you for being neither Lynne Spears nor Dina Lohan.

I’m glad you are neither of those poor girls.  Showing their cooters.  Shameful!

Love, Mom

Ambien CR: WTF?! : An Open Letter

WTF, Ambien CR?! "Safe and Effective", my ass! I took you Thursday night to help me fall asleep. You offered a promise of satisfaction. Let's take, for example, the people in your commercials: warm, relieved and asleep. Instead, I take the recommended dosage of you and experience a VERY different outcome.

I was neither relieved or asleep (and i guess the warm part is irrelevant). Instead, I WAS HIGH. I was extremely high. Not only was I high, but I was completely unaware that you were going to make me high. You roofied me, Ambien. You gave me a soda laced with enough acid to kill a small horse.

I was seeing things. Your "safe and effective" product gave me severe hallucinations of very scary things. It's like you threw me a "Surprise! It's About to be the Worst Night of Your Life" party. Not a very fun party, if you ask me.

Luckily, before it got too bad, MJ(R) made it over. And from what I remember, along with what I was filled in on later, he wasn't too happy with you either. Watch your back, Ambien CR. If MJ(R) saw you walking on the street, he would kick your ass like you dumped his little sister.

I saw bugs crawling everywhere. I thought there were people hiding around the house, trying to kill us. I even thought that the floor was plotting our violent demise. And I am angry.

I won't go into more specifics, but it was scary for everyone involved. Ambien CR, you have proven yourself to be very dangerous and I will never come near you again. You suck. In fact, I read that you have caused people to do things like driving in their sleep. That's not cool, and you should not be legal. Fail.

So WTF, Ambien CR?!

TTYN,
V

Today's Playlist

Since MuxTape.com* has been ShutDownByTheCorporateMusicIndustry.com, and I absolutely LOVE making mixes for people, I am starting a new column. Here's the deal: I make a playlist for the day and post it here. If you want a copy, comment and I will make you one (if I know you, that is). Any blank cd donations are encouraged/appreciated. If you don't like the songs or artists, you probably have terrible taste in music, and also, I don't want to hear about it. K? K...and if you don't know if you like one or more of the artists, get yo' ass to Dizzler.com, type in the artist, and listen to the damn song.

1. MGMT- "Electric Feel"
2. Brazilian Girls- "Sweatshop"
3. Chromeo- "Tenderoni"
4. Cocorosie- "Rainbowarriors"
5. Kings of Leon- "Sex on Fire"
6. The Pharcyde- "Rules and Regulations"
7. Desperacidos- "Mall of America"
8. Beirut- "Nantes"
9. Mos Def- "The Panties"
10. French Kicks- "The Trial of the Century"
11. Antony and the Johnsons- "Cripple and the Starfish"
12. M.I.A.- "Bucky Done Gun"
13. Ratatat- "Wildcat"
14. Kanye West- "Robocop"
15. Of Montreal- "Disconnect the Dots"
16. Ryan Adams- "Karina"
17. Santogold- "L.E.S. Artistes"
18. She and Him- "Sentimental Heart"

Anywho, happy new year, everyone!!!

xo
V

*For anyone who missed out on the awesomeness, MuxTape.com was a website where you could make mixes and share them for free. It was SWEET.