Thursday, February 26

Anonymous email forward composers: WTF?!?

I receive an email every few days from my Grandpa informing me of a new thing to be afraid of: flyers on your back windshield, pay at the pump credit card scams, yada yada, blah blah.  Today I got a "how to not be raped" email, which I found extremely offensive, for reasons I will explain, but also extremely familiar.  So I did a quick search (thanks, gmail!) and found that I have been sent this email no less than 5 times in the past few weeks.  FIVE TIMES.  Maybe I woke up on the wrong side of the mini-bed (or the wrong side of the month) but EVERYONE STOP SENDING ME THIS MOTHERFRICKING EMAIL: 

Through a Rapist's Eyes (No Joke)

So the way this works is- the original context of the email, shoddy writing and all, gunna be in regular and any snarky comments I have gunna be in italics (in case you couldn't figure it out).  I love that the subject of this email has to literally specify "no joke."  Except it is a joke (of an email).

When this was sent to me, I was told to forward it to my lady friends, but I forwarded it to most everyone in my address book. My men friends have female friends and this Information is too important to miss someone. Please pass it along and share it with your children. A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interviewed on what they look for in a potential victim and here are some interesting facts:

I'm going to start referring to my male friends as my "men friends"

1) The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle. They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun, braid or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed . They are also likely to go after a woman with long hair . Women with short hair are not common targets.

Those long-haired girls are so asking for it!! Except, wait, rape victims are all shapes, sizes, (hairstyles) ages, etc.  Nice try you stupid email. 

2) The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for women who's clothing is easy to remove quickly. Many of them carry scissors around specifically to cut clothing. 

Shirt & pants over a onesie followed by another onesie followed by a second shirtpants combo.  Then overalls. I'm just in shock that more women don't take this preventative measure when truckin to the bars. But seriously, rape is not always about getting sex quickly, and to think it is is pretty naive.

3) They also look for women on their cell phone,searching through their purse, or doing other activities while walking because they are off-guard and can be easily overpowered.

4) Men are most likely to attack & rape in the early morning, between 5: 00a.m. and 8 :30a.m. 

God forbid you take that 8am. The Department of Justice gives us the vague "2/3 of all sexual assaults happen between the hours of 6 pm and 6 am"  Nighttime (who knew?) 

5) The number one place women are abducted from/attacked is grocery store parking lots. The number two: office parking lots/garages. Number three: public restrooms.  

Don't get groceries, don't go to the office, don't go pee. I understand that being more aware of your surroundings when you're in a parking garage or whatever is a valid point, and the one I think they are trying to make. (Any badly lit, less frequented place is actually the most common place for an attack.) 

6) The thing about these men is that they arelooking to grab a woman and quickly move her to another location where they don't have to worry about getting caught.

7) Only 2% said they carried weapons because rape carries a 3-5 year sentence but rape with a weapon is 15-20 years. 

I love how throwing out a random statistics somehow makes it valid.  Department of Justice says it's about 30%, so take that, email.

8) If you put up any kind of a fight at all,
 they get discouraged because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you i sn't worth it because it will be time-consuming. 

Barbara Mikkelson, a writer for snopes.com says, "That's great advice, provided you get the right rapist. And you've no way of knowing until it's too late." 

9) These men said they would not pick on women who have umbrellas, or other similar objects thatcan be used from a distance, in their hands

Rihanna had an umbrella (ella ella); things didn't seem to work out so good for her. 

(too soon for Rihanna jokes?  probably too soon) 

10) Several defense mechanisms he taught us are: If someone is following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question , likewhat time is it?, or make general small talk: 'I can't believe it is so cold out here,' 'We're in for a bad winter.' Now you've seen their face and could identify them in a line-up; you lose appeal as a target.

11) If someone is coming toward you, hold out your hands in front of you and yell STOP! or STAY BACK! Most of the rapists this man talked to said they'd leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would not be afraid to fight back. Again, they are looking for an EASY target. 

12) If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of it and carries it with him wherever he goes), yell I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY and holding it out will be a deterrent.

Instructor?  What instructor?  Ohhhh, do you mean the instructor from the other version of this email  that claims all these "tips" are from a (i kid you not) black belt in karate who trains with Steven Segal?? Wait, does this mean no rapists were actually interviewed?  I'm shocked. FAIL, major chain junk email FAIL.


The email goes on, mostly about those self defense moves you've heard before (go for the groin!) and mentions this "instructor" man roughly a bajillion times.  I know it's important to be aware, and being prepared definitely gives you an advantage. I guess my major problem is that, even if the email held any truth,  it sets up victims of rape for an incredible amount of self-blame.  If you do get attacked, it's because your hair was too long or your clothes looked like they could just come right off you.  And if you do get raped, it's because you didn't fight hard enough ("gosh, didn't you know he didn't have a weapon?? only like 2% of them do" or "didn't you know to use your elbow??")  Bottom line is that you could be frickin Rapunzel trolling around a grocery store parking lot at at 7 in the morning wearing tear away pants, and you should still be considered a completely innocent and undeserving victim of an unspeakable crime.  

Stop sending me this email. 

Wednesday, February 25

we've had our fun...

with our cupcake/I'm-five-years-old-and-want-a-princess-party blog motif.  We decided to settle down to a more subdued, but still oh-so-girly format.  Just think of it as nesting to the white picket fence in the suburbs after a few coke addled years in the city.  Because our blog seriously made us look like we were on coke.  Or possibly molly (oooo preeetttyyy).  But I digress.  Point is: new format, same blog.  You're welcome. 

Saturday, February 21

Pamela Anderson: WTF?

Dear Pamela Anderson,

We get it. You're famous. Your boobs are enormous. But also, you're getting older...not "old lady" old, but perhaps "too old to wear bedazzled gold lame thong swimsuits" old. Please. No more.



Ten years ago (and also in Tacky Land), this would have been ok. But now it's just sad.



So WTF, Pam?! You're making everyone uncomfortable. Please stop molesting our eyes. Put the hot pants and platforms back on and shake it like the 41 year-old sexpot that you are ("sexpot" not "skank"). You can thank me later.

love,
Victoria

"UnbeWEAVEable" = best pun ever

Just watch:



It's official: shiesty ass hair weaves save lives. This poor women is quoted as saying "you don't shoot at someone you say you love." Briana, truer words have never been spoken. Except not really, because he did shoot at you moments after he said he loved you, so I guess that is a thing. But hair weave saves the day!! Officers actually found the bullet nuzzled in her "tightly woven" hair.




Briana is all, "I now believe the weave paused the bullet, and didn't let it go any further. Really I think God was in my passenger seat. He protected me." But seriously, hair weave craziness aside, like WTF Juan?? Briana has a point. Stop shooting people you love. Give this girl a VH1 dating show, quick!! Weave of Love. Imagine the ratings.

Thanks to Kayla for the link.

Friday, February 13

Where Did You Go?

Bikini Corrie from Paris Hilton's New BFF:



Why we miss you:

"I mean, Paris, I plead to you that you more know so much than anybody else what it's like to have people see something of value and worth and hate you because you're beautiful and you didn't ask for it. I did not ask for this. It was given to me. I used to come home and cry in high school and say "Mom, I don't want to be pretty anymore and she'd be like 'You stop it.'" Heavy is the head that wears the crown and like you were born into it. I was born, this is the way I am. People call me Bikini Corrie back home because I have earned it. And it's not being cocky. I have earned it."

No, YOU stop it, Bikini Corrie.

Pot Psychology:



Why we miss you:

"Um...I don't think you should be testing the limitations of your crabs"

Basically, we miss everything about you. Fridays have lost a little bit of their lustre since you've been gone.

Snap Bracelets:



Snazzy, right?!?!

So please, all of you, come back to us. We miss you.

xoxo,
V

Tuesday, February 10

Dominique: WTF?!?

or "All Pros of Having a One Night Stand Quickly Negated By a Single Case Study"

Monday, February 9

I Wear My Sunglasses at the Grammys



Dear Bono, Jamie Foxx, Diddy, T bone Burnett, Kid Rock, T.I, Jay Z, Charlie Hayden, 1/4 of the fourtops (1top?),  Lil Wayne, T Pain, M.I.A., LL Cool J, and Ne-Yo,  

Stop it. You're indoors. 


You're okay. 


We did it; we watched the Grammys.  Quite an accomplishment seeing that, in terms of entertainment value, I would rank it somewhere between watching an incredibly boring shade of paint dry and watching "Everybody Loves Raymond."  That being said, we did have some fun- we laughed, we cried, we sang along, we used our chopsticks from sushi delivery to do awesome walrus impressions.  

The night started off with (what else?) sunglasses.  On Bono.  Which prompted a discussion about what would happen if he took them off, which lead to theories about his face falling apart or his retinas being burned off by (horrors!) untinted light, and all of the sudden- it happened.  Oprah was right- if you put ideas out into the universe, you can accomplish anything.  Like seeing pop stars with no sunglasses.  I can't wait to tell my grandchildren about it someday. 

"Is that Denzel?"

No, Victoria, it's Whitney.  Looking not so cracked out, maybe??  A little bit?  Well, she announced best R&B album, which went to JHud, which was very exciting seeing that she just went through this awful family tragedy and all, and I'm pretty sure her speech was very moving, but unfortunately I did not listen to it because when she got up from the audience, she kissed this man who looked vaguely familiar.  Then we realized it was "Punk" from I Love New York 2, and then Mike's iphone told us that not only are they dating, they are engaged.   Did anybody else know about this???  How, HOW does this happen? I don't know how all my blog posts inevitably come to the topic of STDs: Jenny, I love you, but you should probably get checked. 

Then things got really boring for a while, but since I'm on JHud, I'm just going to go ahead and say her performance was very heart wrenching, especially when she got all teary eyed at the end, and also I think I want to motorboat her. 


 Check out Nicole Myfacedoesn'tmove Kidman trying to cry:


ZOMG!!!  It's Blink 182 back together again!


They look thrilled. Not that I know much about these things, but I feel as though if I were going to the Grammys, I would try not to dress like I just traveled there on a Greyhound.  

I was going to make a list of things I care as little about as a reunited Blink 182, and then I remembered that in Scrubs, Dr. Cox has a perfectly good rant about things he doesn't care about, so I looked it up and what do you know??  "The Latin Grammys, the real Grammys" are among them.  I think the universe wanted to me to blog today. 



Kayne is sporting the 80s pop star hair lately- which I'm going to go ahead and dub the "Eddie Murphy"

                                          

Also Estelle's dress looks like it was fitted specifically for big bird.  


I'll leave you with a great point/counterpoint concerning Adele.
point: she's not that good (mike)
counterpoint: she is that good (victoria)

WIN.  Thanks to my Grammy watching, sake-bombing companions for making world's-most-boring-award-show-watching pretty damn entertaining.