Anonymous email forward composers: WTF?!?

I receive an email every few days from my Grandpa informing me of a new thing to be afraid of: flyers on your back windshield, pay at the pump credit card scams, yada yada, blah blah.  Today I got a "how to not be raped" email, which I found extremely offensive, for reasons I will explain, but also extremely familiar.  So I did a quick search (thanks, gmail!) and found that I have been sent this email no less than 5 times in the past few weeks.  FIVE TIMES.  Maybe I woke up on the wrong side of the mini-bed (or the wrong side of the month) but EVERYONE STOP SENDING ME THIS MOTHERFRICKING EMAIL: 

Through a Rapist's Eyes (No Joke)

So the way this works is- the original context of the email, shoddy writing and all, gunna be in regular and any snarky comments I have gunna be in italics (in case you couldn't figure it out).  I love that the subject of this email has to literally specify "no joke."  Except it is a joke (of an email).

When this was sent to me, I was told to forward it to my lady friends, but I forwarded it to most everyone in my address book. My men friends have female friends and this Information is too important to miss someone. Please pass it along and share it with your children. A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interviewed on what they look for in a potential victim and here are some interesting facts:

I'm going to start referring to my male friends as my "men friends"

1) The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle. They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun, braid or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed . They are also likely to go after a woman with long hair . Women with short hair are not common targets.

Those long-haired girls are so asking for it!! Except, wait, rape victims are all shapes, sizes, (hairstyles) ages, etc.  Nice try you stupid email. 

2) The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for women who's clothing is easy to remove quickly. Many of them carry scissors around specifically to cut clothing. 

Shirt & pants over a onesie followed by another onesie followed by a second shirtpants combo.  Then overalls. I'm just in shock that more women don't take this preventative measure when truckin to the bars. But seriously, rape is not always about getting sex quickly, and to think it is is pretty naive.

3) They also look for women on their cell phone,searching through their purse, or doing other activities while walking because they are off-guard and can be easily overpowered.

4) Men are most likely to attack & rape in the early morning, between 5: 00a.m. and 8 :30a.m. 

God forbid you take that 8am. The Department of Justice gives us the vague "2/3 of all sexual assaults happen between the hours of 6 pm and 6 am"  Nighttime (who knew?) 

5) The number one place women are abducted from/attacked is grocery store parking lots. The number two: office parking lots/garages. Number three: public restrooms.  

Don't get groceries, don't go to the office, don't go pee. I understand that being more aware of your surroundings when you're in a parking garage or whatever is a valid point, and the one I think they are trying to make. (Any badly lit, less frequented place is actually the most common place for an attack.) 

6) The thing about these men is that they arelooking to grab a woman and quickly move her to another location where they don't have to worry about getting caught.

7) Only 2% said they carried weapons because rape carries a 3-5 year sentence but rape with a weapon is 15-20 years. 

I love how throwing out a random statistics somehow makes it valid.  Department of Justice says it's about 30%, so take that, email.

8) If you put up any kind of a fight at all,  they get discouraged because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you i sn't worth it because it will be time-consuming. 

Barbara Mikkelson, a writer for snopes.com says, "That's great advice, provided you get the right rapist. And you've no way of knowing until it's too late." 

9) These men said they would not pick on women who have umbrellas, or other similar objects thatcan be used from a distance, in their hands. 

Rihanna had an umbrella (ella ella); things didn't seem to work out so good for her. 

(too soon for Rihanna jokes?  probably too soon) 

10) Several defense mechanisms he taught us are: If someone is following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question , likewhat time is it?, or make general small talk: 'I can't believe it is so cold out here,' 'We're in for a bad winter.' Now you've seen their face and could identify them in a line-up; you lose appeal as a target.

11) If someone is coming toward you, hold out your hands in front of you and yell STOP! or STAY BACK! Most of the rapists this man talked to said they'd leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would not be afraid to fight back. Again, they are looking for an EASY target. 

12) If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of it and carries it with him wherever he goes), yell I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY and holding it out will be a deterrent.

Instructor?  What instructor?  Ohhhh, do you mean the instructor from the other version of this email  that claims all these "tips" are from a (i kid you not) black belt in karate who trains with Steven Segal?? Wait, does this mean no rapists were actually interviewed?  I'm shocked. FAIL, major chain junk email FAIL.

The email goes on, mostly about those self defense moves you've heard before (go for the groin!) and mentions this "instructor" man roughly a bajillion times.  I know it's important to be aware, and being prepared definitely gives you an advantage. I guess my major problem is that, even if the email held any truth,  it sets up victims of rape for an incredible amount of self-blame.  If you do get attacked, it's because your hair was too long or your clothes looked like they could just come right off you.  And if you do get raped, it's because you didn't fight hard enough ("gosh, didn't you know he didn't have a weapon?? only like 2% of them do" or "didn't you know to use your elbow??")  Bottom line is that you could be frickin Rapunzel trolling around a grocery store parking lot at at 7 in the morning wearing tear away pants, and you should still be considered a completely innocent and undeserving victim of an unspeakable crime.  

Stop sending me this email.