The Artist Formerly Known as 911 Penn: The Chronicles: I Wear My Sunglasses at the Grammys

Dear Bono, Jamie Foxx, Diddy, T bone Burnett, Kid Rock, T.I, Jay Z, Charlie Hayden, 1/4 of the fourtops (1top?), Lil Wayne, T Pain, M.I.A., LL Cool J, and Ne-Yo,

Stop it. You're indoors.

You're okay.

We did it; we watched the Grammys. Quite an accomplishment seeing that, in terms of entertainment value, I would rank it somewhere between watching an incredibly boring shade of paint dry and watching "Everybody Loves Raymond." That being said, we did have some fun- we laughed, we cried, we sang along, we used our chopsticks from sushi delivery to do awesome walrus impressions.

The night started off with (what else?) sunglasses. On Bono. Which prompted a discussion about what would happen if he took them off, which lead to theories about his face falling apart or his retinas being burned off by (horrors!) untinted light, and all of the sudden- it happened. Oprah was right- if you put ideas out into the universe, you can accomplish anything. Like seeing pop stars with no sunglasses. I can't wait to tell my grandchildren about it someday.

"Is that Denzel?"

No, Victoria, it's Whitney. Looking not so cracked out, maybe?? A little bit? Well, she announced best R&B album, which went to JHud, which was very exciting seeing that she just went through this awful family tragedy and all, and I'm pretty sure her speech was very moving, but unfortunately I did not listen to it because when she got up from the audience, she kissed this man who looked vaguely familiar. Then we realized it was "Punk" from I Love New York 2, and then Mike's iphone told us that not only are they dating, they are engaged. Did anybody else know about this??? How, HOW does this happen? I don't know how all my blog posts inevitably come to the topic of STDs: Jenny, I love you, but you should probably get checked.

Then things got really boring for a while, but since I'm on JHud, I'm just going to go ahead and say her performance was very heart wrenching, especially when she got all teary eyed at the end, and also I think I want to motorboat her.

Check out Nicole Myfacedoesn'tmove Kidman trying to cry:

ZOMG!!! It's Blink 182 back together again!

They look thrilled. Not that I know much about these things, but I feel as though if I were going to the Grammys, I would try not to dress like I just traveled there on a Greyhound.

I was going to make a list of things I care as little about as a reunited Blink 182, and then I remembered that in Scrubs, Dr. Cox has a perfectly good rant about things he doesn't care about, so I looked it up and what do you know?? "The Latin Grammys, the real Grammys" are among them. I think the universe wanted to me to blog today.