We get it. You're famous. Your boobs are enormous. But also, you're getting older...not "old lady" old, but perhaps "too old to wear bedazzled gold lame thong swimsuits" old. Please. No more.
Ten years ago (and also in Tacky Land), this would have been ok. But now it's just sad.
So WTF, Pam?! You're making everyone uncomfortable. Please stop molesting our eyes. Put the hot pants and platforms back on and shake it like the 41 year-old sexpot that you are ("sexpot" not "skank"). You can thank me later.
It's official: shiesty ass hair weaves save lives. This poor women is quoted as saying "you don't shoot at someone you say you love." Briana, truer words have never been spoken. Except not really, because he did shoot at you moments after he said he loved you, so I guess that is a thing. But hair weave saves the day!! Officers actually found the bullet nuzzled in her "tightly woven" hair.
Briana is all, "I now believe the weave paused the bullet, and didn't let it go any further. Really I think God was in my passenger seat. He protected me." But seriously, hair weave craziness aside, like WTF Juan?? Briana has a point. Stop shooting people you love. Give this girl a VH1 dating show, quick!! Weave of Love. Imagine the ratings.
"I mean, Paris, I plead to you that you more know so much than anybody else what it's like to have people see something of value and worth and hate you because you're beautiful and you didn't ask for it. I did not ask for this. It was given to me. I used to come home and cry in high school and say "Mom, I don't want to be pretty anymore and she'd be like 'You stop it.'" Heavy is the head that wears the crown and like you were born into it. I was born, this is the way I am. People call me Bikini Corrie back home because I have earned it. And it's not being cocky. I have earned it."
No, YOU stop it, Bikini Corrie.
Pot Psychology:
Why we miss you:
"Um...I don't think you should be testing the limitations of your crabs"
Basically, we miss everything about you. Fridays have lost a little bit of their lustre since you've been gone.
Snap Bracelets:
Snazzy, right?!?!
So please, all of you, come back to us. We miss you.
Dear Bono, Jamie Foxx, Diddy, T bone Burnett, Kid Rock, T.I, Jay Z, Charlie Hayden, 1/4 of the fourtops (1top?), Lil Wayne, T Pain, M.I.A., LL Cool J, and Ne-Yo,
Stop it. You're indoors.
You're okay.
We did it; we watched the Grammys. Quite an accomplishment seeing that, in terms of entertainment value, I would rank it somewhere between watching an incredibly boring shade of paint dry and watching "Everybody Loves Raymond." That being said, we did have some fun- we laughed, we cried, we sang along, we used our chopsticks from sushi delivery to do awesome walrus impressions.
The night started off with (what else?) sunglasses. On Bono. Which prompted a discussion about what would happen if he took them off, which lead to theories about his face falling apart or his retinas being burned off by (horrors!) untinted light, and all of the sudden- it happened. Oprah was right- if you put ideas out into the universe, you can accomplish anything. Like seeing pop stars with no sunglasses. I can't wait to tell my grandchildren about it someday.
"Is that Denzel?"
No, Victoria, it's Whitney. Looking not so cracked out, maybe?? A little bit? Well, she announced best R&B album, which went to JHud, which was very exciting seeing that she just went through this awful family tragedy and all, and I'm pretty sure her speech was very moving, but unfortunately I did not listen to it because when she got up from the audience, she kissed this man who looked vaguely familiar. Then we realized it was "Punk" from I Love New York 2, and then Mike's iphone told us that not only are they dating, they are engaged. Did anybody else know about this??? How, HOW does this happen? I don't know how all my blog posts inevitably come to the topic of STDs: Jenny, I love you, but you should probably get checked.
Then things got really boring for a while, but since I'm on JHud, I'm just going to go ahead and say her performance was very heart wrenching, especially when she got all teary eyed at the end, and also I think I want to motorboat her.
Check out Nicole Myfacedoesn'tmoveKidman trying to cry:
ZOMG!!! It's Blink 182 back together again!
They look thrilled. Not that I know much about these things, but I feel as though if I were going to the Grammys, I would try not to dress like I just traveled there on a Greyhound.
I was going to make a list of things I care as little about as a reunited Blink 182, and then I remembered that in Scrubs, Dr. Cox has a perfectly good rant about things he doesn't care about, so I looked it up and what do you know?? "The Latin Grammys, the real Grammys" are among them. I think the universe wanted to me to blog today.
Kayne is sporting the 80s pop star hair lately- which I'm going to go ahead and dub the "Eddie Murphy"
Also Estelle's dress looks like it was fitted specifically for big bird.
I'll leave you with a great point/counterpoint concerning Adele.
point: she's not that good (mike)
counterpoint: she is that good (victoria)
WIN. Thanks to my Grammy watching, sake-bombing companions for making world's-most-boring-award-show-watching pretty damn entertaining.
I don't know why explorers are so often overlooked as sex symbols. I'm pretty confident that if I were around anytime pre-17th century, I would totally be into it. Come on, they've got a lot going for them- the power, the bravery, the fame, the facial hair. I know, I know... "venereal disease, Jana! venereal disease!!" but again, this exercise places me (hypothetically) pre-17th century, which means I would most likely alread have a (hypothetical) venereal disease. In any case, we're just going to (hypothetically) rule out dirty sailor diseases. This is just for fun, jeeeeez, get the stick out of your booty. So here we go- a list of explorers that could totally explore me every day of the week:
Marco Polo: Something about those Italians. Not only does he have the explorer thing going for him, he also got totally fricking rich from his explorations, AND he was imprisoned for a while. The rebel part of me would love to bring an ex-con home to Mom & Dad. Please note the sexy facial hair.
Juan Ponce de Leon: I'm willing to look past pointy chin hair if you discovered Flordia. Plus he has a sweet feather in his cap. He spent his life searching for the fountain of youth; like a 15th century Dr. Ray, errr something. Little did he know he could fountain in my youth any day.
Ferdinand Magellan: First to circumnavigate the world. Nuf said. I'd like him to circumnavigate me. Or should I say cirCUMnavigate me. heh.
Francisco Pizarro: Bearded, armored, all around bad-ass. He totally owned the Incans, which is not very nice, but all that conquering apparantly does a body good.
"Incans! I kill you with my abs!"
Zebulon Pike: My fav. Check out his wikipage. The indians (feather) thought he was soooo fly- my man Black Hawk said he was a "good man" and a "great brave." But also he was drunk at the time, so who knows how he felt about him in the morning. I kid!
ZEB UR SO HOTT
Notice Christopher Columbus did not make the list. This was not a mistake. He's GROSS.
